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About Emma Newman

Emma Newman writes short stories, novels and novellas in multiple speculative fiction genres. She is a professional audiobook narrator, and a Hugo Award winning podcaster. Her current podcasts are ‘Imagining Tomorrow’ and ‘Tea and Sanctuary’. www.enewman.co.uk

The Script

Comic script - this is exactly what happened to my son in the small hours of this morning. I only saw the messages when I woke up, and he told me what happened once he was awake. It made me laugh, and I immediately thought it might make a fun comic and Beanie agreed!

A young man (if you want to base him loosely on my son, he’s 16 years old, tall, short brown hair, blue eyes) is about to leave his room but spots a huge spider on wall next to the door (it is on the wall that the door would rest against when open and the dressing gown hanging on the back of the door would brush against where the spider is) . 

He is terrified of spiders, so he can’t open the door. It’s the small hours of the morning.

He leaps onto his bed on the other side of the room, a bookcase blocking the line of sight between him and the spider and tries to phone his Mum who is sleeping in her room across the landing, and message her on WhatsApp, but her phone is on ‘Do not disturb’ so there’s no answer. 

Panicking, he phones friends until one finally picks up - ‘Help! There’s a huge spider in my room!’

Friend: What colour is it?

Beanie: Black? Brown? I dunno! It was BIG

Friend: You’re okay, I don’t think they can climb.

Beanie: IT’S ON MY WALL! (throughout the rest of this exchange the friend also now freaking out is just making Bean panic even more!) 

Friend: Oh, that one can climb then! Just dash out the door!

Beanie: It’s by the door, I can’t get out!

Friend: IT’S IN YOUR ROOM?! 

Beanie: Yes, I told you this!

He peeps round the bookcase. The spider is gone!

Beanie: It’s gone!

Friend: THAT MEANS IT COULD BE ANYWHERE!

Beanie’s eyes flick to all the posters it could be hiding behind, and all the clothes and stuff on his floor it could now be lurking under.

Beanie: YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

He hangs up and hides in the duvet. If you think that a final shot on the spider’s hiding place would be a good ending, do add that in, but happy to end it on Beanie hiding.

 

Artists Notes

One of the goals of the project was to try and work with as many writers as possible, and so I told every writer "Don't worry - I'll take any format of script" - there are sort of comic script standards, and attempts have been made in the past to really hammer them in, but for the most part every writer I work with works a little different anyway. That said, this script required a lot of thinking about to get the most out of the story (you can argue amongst yourself whether that's what I did).

Firstly there's a sort of action limit in comics, every action will usually require one panel - character opens door, walks through door, locks door? that's three panels. I felt like, on this script, there was too much going on to fit in the super limited single page I had, plus some of the action I wanted to build it up a bit more, so I knew I'd be putting a bunch of panels towards the getting ready to go out (because build up build up build up build up PUNCHLINE!) I also knew I wanted the dialogue interaction to have that ratatatat rapid delivery, which meant I'd get a single panel for that set of dialogue. This meant brutalising the story a little, cutting out the contacting of his mum and going straight to the friend. I also wanted a little end note on the spider - I thought that would be fun, a happy little chappy. (remove the last spider panel and the page feels like it's not quite finished - it's a figurative and literal full stop)

The manga shading effect/speedlines came after I'd drawn it and realise it would work better with a little bit of manga (tonally too, fits a teen), and the coloured lettering was because I needed someway to quickly distinguish the two sets of dialogue (I decided to eschew clip studio's balloon lettering tools a) because it would take ages to get exactly how I want it and b) because I thought I could add more character to it that way. The background of the room is pretty much a direct tracing of my teenage son's bedroom (which is so quintessentially teenager it looks like a set from a modern John Hughes teen comedy). (And it's all my son's work, he's done that all without parental help)

Anyway. This was finished the day before publication, but I think it turned out ok.

Oh, and because I drew it, and then slathered lettering all over it, here's the page without dialogue...

Folklore Thursday: Hy-Brasil

What does Hy-Brasil look like, what shape is it? What’s on it? I have no idea, so you’ve got to make these things up, I suppose.  I Shaped out an island, in panel one, and started figuring out some geography, I wanted volcanos (But it made no sense) and then I thought it’d be fun to have some cliffs – cliffs that face Ireland, so the only way to land is the long way round. And then I started planning little things I could put on the island, but of course, we’re seeing it from a distance, so they’re nothing but notions and nods to that. An Irish Wakanda, maybe. Easter Island heads, a couple of stone circles, maybe an Ancient Greek temple. All in there somewhere (maybe).

Oh and a c crop circle.

Panel 2, this is from the some google searching and the map of hy-brasil.

Panel 3 our map begins to fade.

Panel 4 – a bearded Liverpudlian (John) and a short Norn Iron (me) chap, make their way across the sea in 2026 to find the island… maybe… 

And that’s it. No long to go now for the end… well, let’s call it the end of this chapter… news soon…

Folklore: Fafrotskies

AT LAST! CHARLES FORT makes an appearance!

My frustration with my abilities as a colourist has never felt more evident. I also tried, and failed, a kind of Burroughs Cut-up technique to see if I could shake something out of my head, because I like to draw a line from the first drawing to the last (it doesn’t have to be a very obvious line, and – clearly – John’s writing has it’s own through line, but sometimes, when I’m working at it, I’m trying to deliver a different narrative flavour than simply illustrating the tweet – I don’t always succeed, but I always try!)

So, lots of things not going to plan.

Plus this one took bloody ages (hey, if I can’t moan to you, then who, gentle reader, can I moan at?)

In the end, I stuck to John’s order. I did originally want to show Charle’s face, but I thought it would make sense for him to be scribbling some notes down while caught up in a shower of something non-rain-like, but I quickly abandoned that notion, and switched angle to him in his room alone, watching the rain and documenting the various Fatrotskies that he knows of.

We then cut to a montage of different kinds of Fatrotskies (I mean, Charlies, that word is a mouthful, I’m not sure it’s helpful)

And finally the festival. Relying a bit heavily on photos, I wanted the carnival to feel like celebration though I admit I’m also leaning a bit on a piece John McCrea painted about 3 decades ago, of the twelth of July parade, where he spray painted colour everywhere and then picked out pieces from it.

Anyway, hope you like it… two more weeks to go, right… ?

#48 – “Willow”

Willows grow down by the riverside, twig-fingers trailing in the slivery water. They drift like fog-clouds across the marshes, Fae whispering in their branches. Bowed, they weep among gravestones in the cemetery. Where willows grow, ghosts are always to be found.

—-

“My emotion, so far as I could understand it, seemed to attach itself more particularly to the willow bushes, to these acres and acres of willows, crowding, so thickly growing there, swarming everywhere the eye could reach, pressing upon the river as though to suffocate it, standing in dense array mile after mile beneath the sky, watching, waiting, listening. And, apart quite from the elements, the willows connected themselves subtly with my malaise, attacking the mind insidiously somehow by reason of their vast numbers, and contriving in some way or other to represent to the imagination a new and mighty power, a power, moreover, not altogether friendly to us.” 

– from The Willows, by Algernon Blackwood 

There are over 400 species of willows – also known as sallows and osiers – ranging from mighty trees to low-growing, creeping shrubs. Willows grow in the tropics, in the arctic, and almost everywhere in-between. 

Perhaps the most familiar species is the Weeping Willow – a tree native to Northern China but which, thanks to millennia of trade between East and West, is now found across the world. With its long, slender branches, drooping with cascades of small, green leaves, the Weeping Willow appears to “hang its head” in grief. 

The Weeping Willow’s scientific name, salix babylonica, was given in 1736 by the Swedish botanist Carolus Linnaeus. The name is a reference not to the origin of the tree, but Psalm 137 in The Book of Psalms

“By the rivers of Babylon we sat down and wept/when we remembered Zion./There on the willow trees/we hung up our harps.”

(Yes, I read it to the tune of the Boney M song too) It should be noted, however, that there were no Weeping Willows in Babylon, and that the trees mentioned in the Psalm are believed more likely to have been poplars. 

The Qingming Festival (more commonly known as Chinese Memorial Day or Ancestor’s Day in English) is a traditional Chinese festival observed by the Han Chinese people of Mainland China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Macau, Malasia, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand, and by the Chitty people of Malaysia.[1] During the festival (which takes place on the 15th day following the Spring Equinox) families visit graves of their ancestors where they pray and leave offerings. Willow branches are traditionally used to sweep the gravesites and tombs, but willow is also fixed above doors and gates during Qingming in the belief that it will prevent other spirits wandering abroad from entering where they are not wanted. It’s interesting to note that in English folklore fixing willow leaves or branches above a doorway was believed to act as a protection against witches. [2]

Speaking in 2018, Hesheng Zhang – a teacher from Western China, who now teaches in Dartmouth, Massachusetts, USA – contributed a piece of oral Chinese folklore (passed down to him from his parents) to the Dartmouth Folklore Archive project:

“Scholartree often makes Chinese people imagine ghosts. Do you know Yin and Yang? We think scholartrees represent Yin and willow trees represent Yin as well. We think death is Yin, so we do not plant scholartrees around the house or else a ghost may come.”

Because these trees were traditionally used as grave-markers, their association with the dead, with death, and with Yin, has become deeply ingrained over thousands of years. Willows become a kind of magnet for Yin, and for ghosts themselves. [3]


References

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival

[2] https://www.icysedgwick.com/willow-folklore/

[3] https://journeys.dartmouth.edu/folklorearchive/2018/11/11/scholar-tree-willow-tree/

Folk Magic & Healing, by Fez Inkwright  https://liminal11.com/product/folk-magic-healing/  

#47 – “Stone”

It came from outer space. December 13th, 1795: an “extraordinary stone” arrived in Yorkshire, England. At 28X36 inches, weighing 56 lb, the Wold Newton Meteorite remains the largest ever recorded in Britain. A monument still stands in the field where it struck. 

—-

In a field in England,  in the East Riding of Yorkshire to be more precise, amid the grass and  nettles there stands a lone curious 24 foot (7.3 metre) red brick  obelisk. Constructed more than 200 years ago, the column has,  appropriately enough, something of a cartoon space-rocket about it. A  plaque set into one face reads

Here On this Spot, Dec. 13th, 1795 Fell from the  Atmoſphere AN EXTRAORDINARY STONE In Breadth 28 inches In Length 36  inches and Whoſe Weight was 56 pounds.

The “EXTRAORDINARY STONE” arrived during a thunderstorm and landed  two fields from Wold Cottage, which was at the time home to a magistrate  named Major Edward Topham. It was Major Topham who would go on to have  the obelisk constructed in 1799. The stone created a hole 3.2 feet (1  metre) in diameter, embedding itself firmly into a layer of chalk  bedrock beneath the soil.

Topham’s shepherd was within 450 feet (137 metres) of the point of  impact. Nearer still was labourer John Shipley, who signed a deposition  published alongside a reprinted letter by Major Topham in the Gentleman’s Magazine for July 1797 stating that

He was within eight or nine yards of the stone when it  fell, saw it distinct seven or eight yards from the ground, and then  strike into the earth, which flew up all about him, and which alarmed  him very much.

The Wold Newton Meteorite was the largest ever observed to fall in  Britain, and is the second largest recorded in Europe (the largest being  the Ensisheim meteorite which in 1492 landed in a wheat field in what  was then Alsace). The great scientist and occultist Sir Issac Newton –  not yet seventy years in his grave when the stone landed in Yorkshire  -had famously stated that

To make way for the regular and lasting motions of the planets and comets, it is necessary to empty the heavens of all matter.

In other words, that there was no room in his model of space for free  floating objects such as meteorites. Having formulated the Law of  Universal Gravitation, Newton’s ideas were generally taken pretty  seriously. Consequently when the Wold Newton Meteorite was put on  display in London in 1797 many took pleasure in deriding it as a fake,  or at best a piece of debris thrown into the air by a volcanic eruption  (which was, needless to say, unlikely in Yorkshire). The then president  of the Royal Society of London, Sir Joseph Banks, was interested,  however. Working with the chemist Edward Howard, Banks compared samples  from the Wold newton meteorite with others and found what he considered  remarkable similarities. When his results were published, though many  were still dubious of admitting exactly what they proved, it did mark  the beginning of a new era of scientific interest in meteorites. English  naturalist, illustrator, and owner of a private museum James Sowerby  acquired the meteorite from Major Topham in 1804. It was sold on to the  British Museum in 1835. The Wold Newton Meteorite, now believed to be  4.6 billion years old, is still on display at the Natural History Museum in London today.


In addition to almost killing a farm labourer and kickstarting the  modern scientific study of meteorites, the “EXTRAORDINARY STONE” which  fell to Earth two centuries ago was also the catalyst for some of the  most inventive and influential crossover fiction of the twentieth  century. If you’re are a fan of Kim Newman’s Anno Dracula novels, Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or even Bryan Talbot’s Grandville, or Showtime’s Penny Dreadful  then you have the Wold Newton Meteorite to thank. All these worlds  filled with characters from different novels, films, and TV series owe a  huge debt (acknowledged by both Newman and Moore, I might add) to the  writing of Philip Jose Farmer.

In Tarzan Alive: A Definitive Biography of Lord Greystoke  (1972) Philip Jose Farmer presented the life story of Edgar Rice  Burroughs’ Tarzan as if he were a real person. In the book it was  revealed that two carriages, travelling along the road at the time, were  within 20 feet (6 metres) of the Wold Newton Meteorite when it landed.  The people travelling within were exposed to a burst of ionizing  radiation from the stone which caused mutations within themselves and  consequentially their future offspring. Ancestors of Lord Greystoke  (Tarzan), Solomon Kane, Captain Blood, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Harry  Flashman, Sherlock Holmes, Professor Moriarty (AKA Captain Nemo),  Phileas Fogg, The Time Traveler from The Time Machine; Allan  Quatermain, A.J. Raffles, Professor Challenger, Richard Hannay, Bulldog  Drummond Fu Manchu, Sir Denis Nayland Smith, The Shadow, Sam Spade, Doc  Savage, his cousin Pat Savage, Monk Mayfair, The Spider, Nero Wolfe, Mr.  Moto, The Avenger, Philip Marlowe, James Bond, Lew Archer, and Travis  McGee, were among those present. According to Farmer then, the strength,  intelligence, and general superhuman qualities of all these pulp heroes  and villains are the result of the impact in that muddy Yorkshire field  in 1797. The connected roster of characters has become known as The  Wold Newton Family.


Wold Newton Universe is a term created by author Win Scott Eckert in the late 1990s. Eckert became fascinated with Farmer’s cross-over fiction after reading Doc Savage: His Apocalyptic Life and went on to collaborate with the man himself on the Wold Newton novel The Evil in Pemberley House which was published shortly after Farmer’s death in 2009. Eckert sums up the concept of the Wold Newton Universe thusly:

It is theorized here that there are many other  characters, heroic and otherwise, who also exist in the Wold Newton  Universe; some, although of course not all, may actually be members of  the Wold Newton mutant family, not described by Mr. Farmer.

All fiction then, may be imagined to co-exist in the same fictional  universe and therefore all fictional characters may be assumed to have  the possibility of encountering each other given a suitable opportunity.  We’re used to the idea in comics perhaps more than we are elsewhere but  Universal Studios had Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, werewolves and  more, all appearing together on the silver screen back in the 1940s. In  2012 we were informed that Prometheus and Blade Runner officially take place in the same fictional future; a future where the aliens from the Alien films already do battle with the predators from the Predator films.  Marvel (now owned by The Walt Disney Company) are pushing their own  shared universe superhero films as hard as they can, and DC (owned by  Time Warner Incorporated) are starting to do likewise. Cross-over  fiction is big business these days but not so much in Wold Newton  apparently.

Wold Cottage, the former residence of Major Edward Topham, is now an award winning Bed & Breakfast  and though their website does mention the meteorite, perhaps  unsurprisingly, it makes no connection between it and Farmer’s work. I  did email to ask whether they were aware of Philip Jose Farmer’s writing  and The Wold Newton Family but have, as yet, received no response.

The full Wold Newton Family Tree (as published in Tarzan Alive) can be viewed at www.pjfarmer.com, as can The Fabulous Family Tree of Doc Savage (as published in Doc Savage: His Apocalyptic Life, 1973).

REFERENCES
http://www.woldcottage.co.uk/meteorite/
http://www.pjfarmer.com/woldnewton/Pulp2.htm
http://woldnewtonresource.wikia.com/wiki/Wold_Newton_Meteorite
http://web.archive.org/web/20070809201913/http://www.meteoritearticles.com/historyarticle.html
Asteroids, Meteorites, and Comets by Linda T. Elkins-Tanton

[This piece originally published on Daily Grail, February 2015]

Folklore Thursday: Stone (recoloured)

The previous colours didn’t sit right with me at all. Now, the risk with a recolour is there will, of course, be people who prefer the original – and if I can beg your indulgence, the original is still here, but so is the recolouring. Which is, if nothing else, at least consistent.

#46 – “Egg”

High atop Mount Huaguo in China, a curious stone once stood. From that stone came forth an egg, and out of that egg was born a monkey. Faster than a meteor, strong enough to lift a mountain, wielder of magical staff Ruyi Jingu Bang. The Monkey King – Sun Wukong.

—-

In the worlds before Monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order, but the phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown. The four worlds formed again and yet again as endless aeons wheeled and passed. Time and the pure essences of Heaven, the moisture of the Earth, the powers of the sun and the moon all worked upon a certain rock, old as creation, and it became magically fertile. That first egg was named “Thought“. Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha, said, “With our thoughts, we make the world.” Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch. From it then came a stone monkey. The nature of Monkey was irrepressible

So proclaimed the narrator at the beginning of the first season of the English-dubbed Action Fantasy TV series Monkey (known to many as Monkey Magic, thanks to its ridiculously catchy theme tune of the same name). Monkey was made in Japan, where it was called Saiyūki (“Account of the Journey to the West“) and was first screened on Nippon TV between 1978 and 1979. 

The novel Xī Yóu Jì (“Journey to the West“) on which the TV series Monkey was based, was first published anonymously in China around 1592 and is widely regarded as one of the Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature. Journey to the West draws upon ancient themes and sources, including Chinese folk religion, Chinese mythology, and Confucianist, Taoist, and Buddhist philosophy. Legends of the Monkey King pre-date the novel by many hundreds (possibly even a couple of thousand) years. 

Da Tang Sanzang Qujing Shihua (“The Story of How Tripitaka of the Great Tang Procures the Scriptures“) is the title of a seventeen-chapter novelette, written in the late 13th Century CE (some three centuries before Journey to the West), which is thought to have been created to serve as a prompt for oral storytelling. In the text, our simian hero is given the name Hou Xingzhe (“Monkey Pilgrim”), but his origins and adventures are easily recognisable as those of the Monkey King. [1]

Hanuman, the Indian Monkey God, has roots which stretch back at least four thousand years; mentioned as the “divine monkey” in the Vedic Rigveda, written between 1500 and 1200 BCE. It is believed by many that stories and images of Hanuman travelled East from India to China along with Buddist pilgrims and that tales of Monkey King drew upon these influences. 

In the Chu kingdom (700 – 223 B.C.E.), which encompassed the central Yangtze River Basin, the people revered gibbon monkeys, especially white ones. Robert van Gulik explains that the Chu kingdom was an ancient center of mystical beliefs and witchcraft out of which Taoism evolved. Chu folk culture considered the animal world on a par with human society and believed that some animals were rich in qi, or the mystical power of the cosmos. Taoism raised the status and power of the gibbon, which was regarded as one of the animals with the expert knowledge in inhaling qi, thereby acquiring occult powers. Among the many magical abilities credited to these monkeys is the ability to assume human shape and prolong their life several hundred years. [2] 

The above quote is taken from a 1998 work by Hera S. Walker entitled Indigenous or Foreign? A Look at the Origins of the Monkey Hero Sun Wukong, demonstrating that mystical, magical monkeys have been around in Chinese myth for a long, long time. 

REFERENCES

[1] https://journeytothewestresearch.com/2016/10/16/the-literary-precursor-of-journey-to-the-west/ 

[2] http://sino-platonic.org/complete/spp081_monkey_sun_wukong.pdf 

#45 – “Petrified”

Petrified. A maiden, raped in the Temple of Athena by the God Poseidon. Cursed by the Goddess as if the crime were hers. You cannot look her in the eye. Medusa. Serpent-haired terror. Even after death, to look upon that face was enough to turn any into stone.


—–

Great Perseus then: With me you shall prevail, 
Worth the relation, to relate a tale. 
Medusa once had charms; to gain her love 
A rival crowd of envious lovers strove. 
They, who have seen her, own, they ne’er did trace 
More moving features in a sweeter face. 
Yet above all, her length of hair, they own, 
In golden ringlets wav’d, and graceful shone. 
Her Neptune saw, and with such beauties fir’d, 
Resolv’d to compass, what his soul desir’d. 
In chaste Minerva’s fane, he, lustful, stay’d, 
And seiz’d, and rifled the young, blushing maid. 
The bashful Goddess turn’d her eyes away, 
Nor durst such bold impurity survey; 
But on the ravish’d virgin vengeance takes, 
Her shining hair is chang’d to hissing snakes. 
These in her Aegis Pallas joys to bear, 
The hissing snakes her foes more sure ensnare, 
Than they did lovers once, when shining hair. 

The above is Ovid’s account of how Medusa came to be transformed into a serpent-haired creature we all know today, taken from his Metamorphoses, Book the Fourth. In Ovid’s version (first published in 8 CE), it is the new, Roman God Neptune who attacks the young maiden, rather than his older Greek equivalent Posideon, and the Goddess Minerva rather than Athena who takes it upon herself to curse the victim, rather than the perpetrator. 

Medusa (meaning “guardian” or “protectress“) was one of three siblings; the Gorgons, whose name translates as “grim” or “dreadful“. Daughters of the primordial sea God and Goddess, Phorcys and Ceto, the sisters were born in the caverns beneath Mount Olympus. In the oldest legends the Gorgons were monstrous from birth — chimeric creatures with wings, boars tusks, bronze clawed hands, and yes, snakes for hair — but, as the myth evolved, so did the relationship between the sisters.  

Medusa was the youngest of the three, Euryale (whose name meant “far-roaming“) was the middle sister, and Stheno (whose name meant “forceful“) the eldest. Not only was Medusa the last to be born, but she was also born mortal, which only made her sisters all the more protective of her. Medusa having been raped by the Sea God, and then cursed by the Goddess of Wisdom and Weaving, her sisters naturally stood up for her, and so they too were cursed and transformed. Snakes for hair, and eyes which would turn any who looked into them to stone. 

Perseus, son of Zeus, was tricked into promising to bring back the head of Medusa as a gift for King Polydectes, ruler of the island of Seriphos, who wished to wed his mother. Aided by the Goddess Athena (evidently still not yet satisfied with the level of suffering she had caused Medusa and her sisters), and his father,  Perseus set out on an epic quest to behead the youngest Gorgon. Using a highly polished shield as a mirror, Perseus was able to look up Medusa without turning to stone. Like a coward, he struck while she slept. From the body of the Gorgon sprang forth Pegasus (“he who sprang“) and Chrysaor (“sword of gold“) – chimeric children, and proof of Posiedon’s rape of Medusa. 

Hearing of their sister’s murder, Euryale and Stheno pursued her killer, but Perseus escaped their wrath using a magical helmet of invisibility. Medusa’s eyes retained their petrifying power even after death, and Perseus wielded her severed head as a weapon, turning all manner of beings to stone. Not least King Polydectes, who in Perseus’ absence had raped his mother. 

Redbubble!

I’ve made a couple of tentative steps in putting the fokllore thursday strips on Redbubble, here:  https://www.redbubble.com/people/pjholden/

As time wears on I’ll be putting them ALL on, but if you have any favourites let me know.

They’ll stay on redbubble well… probably forever but I’ll be looking for other venues for getting prints done so if redbubble doesn’t suit you, let me know where does – or, if you have a specific strip you love that you want available on redbubble and if it’s not there I’ll prioritise adding it!

Right now, I’ve uploaded the Boudicca strip (a very early popular strip) the recent Hensbane (because I thought it was kind of pretty), Vrillon (which made me laugh) and today’s strip of Bakekujira.

#43 – “Food”

UK playground food folklore:

Green crisps are poisonous.

Eat apple or orange pips, and a tree will start to grow inside you.

Blue Smarties make you hyperactive.

Swallow gum and it will stay in your guts for two months, maybe even wrapping itself around an organ.

—————————————————————————-

Everyone knows it’s true. Passed down from class to class, from year to year; the cold hard facts about the perils of what lurks in your lunchbox, or what you’ve managed to sneak into your pockets for playtime. 

Green crisps are poisonous, eat them and you will die! Or, at least, end up with a belly-ache.

The reason some crisps end up with a green edge isn’t mold or fungus, it’s actually because the potato which they’ve been made out of hasn’t been properly “earthed up”. Parts of the spud exposed to sunlight as they grow turn green because of chlorophyll in the plant. Chlorophyll can contain a chemical for solanine, which is the same toxin produced by deadly nightshade, BUT you would have to eat a whole family pack of entirely green crisps before you felt any real ill effects. 

Spit out the pips when you’re eating an apple or orange, or else you’ll end up with a tree growing inside you.

Obviously, you won’t, but it is worth noting that there have been cases where people have been found to have fir trees and peas growing in their lungs! Apple seeds, if chewed produce (a tiny amount of) hydrogen cyanide, which starts to become risky if you eat an awful lot of them. We’re talking like five or more apple’s worth, consumed in a single sitting for a child though. Orange pips are harmless and actually pretty good for you, but if you chew them they taste very, very bitter. 

Blue Smarties were banned for a time because they contained a colouring agent which was found to cause hyperactivity in children who ate them. 

Blue Smarties (first introduced in 1988) disappeared from packs between early 2006 until mid-2008, being replaced with white ones. Why? Because in 2006 manufacturer Nestlé decided to remove all artificial colouring from the sweets. The problem was, even though they found a way to replicate all the other colours using natural alternatives, they couldn’t get the blue right. They cracked it in 2008 though, and since then blue Smarties get their colour from a seaweed called Spirulina. Before 2006, blue Smarties were coloured with a synthetic dye called Brilliant Blue FCF (also known as E133) which, although not proven to cause hyperactivity, does have the capacity for inducing allergic reactions in some people, especially asthmatics. 

Swallow chewing-gum or bubble-gum, and it will sit in your stomach or intestines for weeks, months, maybe even years. Even worse, the sticky, stretchy stuff might just wrap itself around some of your internal organs while it’s in there.

Why shouldn’t you swallow gum? Because it’s made to be chewed over and over and to not break down in the process of chewing. So, it’s a choking hazard. Obviously. Gum is also nigh-on impossible to digest, but that doesn’t mean it will just sit in your stomach or guts indefinitely. Much like sweetcorn, gum (in most cases) will make an all but intact reappearance next time the consumer visits the toilet. That said, swallow a lot of gum over a long period, and you are (understandably) going to get a bit clogged up…

Folklore is about stories told and re-told, exaggerated, embellished, and improved upon by generation after generation but, as the above illustrates, there is always a kernel of truth in even the simplest and silliest sounding tale.